Behind the Curtain: Cry It Out #1

I’m Michelle. I’m an actor, a wife and a daughter. Three and a half years ago I became a mom. A MOM!! Nine years after I was told that I wouldn’t be able to have kids because of all of the chemo and radiation I received for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, I was blessed to start my journey on the most beautifully exhausting, confusing and exciting time of my life.

Two years into my life as “Michelle The Mom”, I was trying to find my way back to “Michelle The Actress”. I was struggling and frustrated and needed to connect with my creative self. Enter my best friend Dawn with several plays for me to read. She thought they all had good monologues that I could work on. But there was one play that she felt very strongly about. Her exact words were…”Girl! Cry It Out. This play…Hold on. It’s gonna hit you right in the reals. Definitely a few monologues you can do. One in particular. You’ll know it.” Boy did I!! As soon as I started reading Adrienne’s monologue my stomach started to tighten and I started crying. This was the one. I read it a few more times and cried each time. I WAS ADRIENNE!! It was all there…the love for the baby, the love of work and the need to get back to it, and the physical pain and mental toll of being a new stay at home mom. We were one.

Caring for a baby is a huge important part of life yet it’s difficulties are very rarely depicted in the arts. This is why I jumped at the chance to take on the role of Adrienne in this production of Cry It Out. The show addresses all of these real-world issues and also highlights the privilege that comes with class and gender.

Momming ain’t easy!!! And no, no one ever said it would be but they also never talked about the struggles like the loneliness of being a stay at home mom, balancing career and being a parent, childcare struggles, and the big one…postpartum depression and anxiety.

As an actor and new mom, there were many occasions where I had to take my baby with me to auditions because we weren’t ready to put her into daycare at such a young age (and hello…DAYCARE IS EXPENSIVE) and we don’t have family in town. Yes, we have tons of friends but it’s not the same as having grandma close by ready to take the grandbaby. And to be honest, the postpartum depression and anxiety I was suffering would not let me leave her with anyone.

Yep, I had the “Big P”! The hush hush topic that unfortunately, most folks just don’t want to talk about. Postpartum depression and anxiety. And let me tell you, IT KICKED MY BUTT!! Being home alone all day with my girl got to be so lonely that I got depressed and became extremely anxious about everything. Especially when it came to her. I wasn’t sure how to function outside of the house with her and it terrified me to take her out. But I had to because it felt like I was losing my mind stuck in the house all day with no adult contact other than the UPS guy dropping off Amazon packages.

Thanks to all things Facebook, I joined a mommy group in my area and was able to connect with other moms with babies close to my daughter’s age. They did park get togethers and story time at the library followed by lunch. So, I took some deep breaths and started venturing out to join them at story time. I was usually anxious and very flustered when I got there but I did it. And it didn’t take long for me to start looking forward to our Friday library and pizza dates. And as wonderful as that was for my mind and my soul, I was still anxious getting there and then when it was time to go home, all of the anxiety would come flooding back in. It took everything in me to get us there and I had to find the courage to get us back home. And there was no stopping anywhere along the way. Out of the question! I knew that I could get us to our Friday fun time and back home. That’s it. My mind couldn’t handle trying to do anything else. And guess what I discovered while getting to know these other moms??? WE WERE ALL STRUGGLING!!! Each and every one of us was struggling with being new moms. Some of the same and some very different struggles. But they were in it too! Hallelujah!! It wasn’t just me! All of these strong, talented, women with careers were now staring down the path of this new mom journey just as confused as I was.  We shared and supported each other like we’d known each other for years. And it was this wonderful group of women that informed me over lunch that what I was feeling 6 months after giving birth was indeed postpartum depression and anxiety. And that a few of them were also going through it. I WAS NOT ALONE!!! And because of that, I was able to get help. Therapy works y’all.

I’m thankful for the way that Molly Smith Metzler has chosen to address postpartum depression/anxiety  and the loneliness that can come from being a stay at home mom. There is so much stigma attached to it that we never see anyone just dive into the topic like this. The need for connection and community is real. Particularly for first time moms. I’m so grateful for my wonderful “Mom Squad”. Not sure what this journey would look like without them. Glad that I don’t have to find out.

If you’re a new parent, know that your community is out there waiting for you. You never know where you’ll find them. Maybe it’s Facebook or maybe it’s Stop and Shop. They’re out there waiting for you. So, take a deep breath and go get ‘em!